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the child. princess of God. gospeliter. 10111991. hmss091011. npech. B0108091011. hiclub. fencer. guides. 12c30405. 34s20607. crescent. the younger days. July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 November 2010 the peers. charmaineng henrietta samantha YOUTH. youth a big message a big mission glcc bernice chiawen daphne giolo ian jessica jiahao jonmuk kennethchai lesley lynnshan malcolm markchia melody ruth sicheng B01 [08091011]. B01 [08091011] afifah amirahlee daphne jieling kaiting latifah michelleling pengswee rongxuan tammie weiqian yvonne yiting SYFC. estherhuang marcus ruixin sheena sheryl vanessa HMS.NP. keala fencing alicia chuhui darren fiona hidayah jasmine juian kayyong madalene matthewhan romaine ronny tecky wayne CRESCENT. guides eileen
the interactions. the thanks. Base code:OHsaygoodbye Image: sxc.hu |
02 May 2006 ! at 1:30 PM ! In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There was no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As i drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was the one that read " Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog for my life. Here was written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory cldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I wld look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird: " Books I have read", "Lies that i have told", " Comfort I have given", " Jokes I have laughed at". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Other i cldnt laugh at: " Things I have done in anger, " Things I muttered under my breath at my parents" I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Somtimes there were fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Cld it be possible that I had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each was signed with my signature. When i pulled out the file marked "Songs I have listened to" I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after 2 or 3 yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amt of time I knew that file represented. When i came to a file marked "Lustful thoughts" I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed contents. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.Suddenly I felt an almost animal rage. One thought dominated my mind: " No one must ever see these cards! no one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didnt matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I cld not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long self-pitying sigh. And then i saw it. The title bore " People I hv shared the Gospel with". The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than 3 inches long fell into my hands. I cld count the cards it contained on one hand. And then tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hust started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shleves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please, not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I cldnt bear to watch His response. And inthe moments I cld bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. hy did Hee have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. BUt this was a pity that didnt anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands, and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He cld have said so many things. But He didnt say a word. He jus cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room. He took out a file and , one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted,rushing to Him. All I cld find to say was "No,no" as I pulled the card from HIm. His name shldnt be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, " It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written. copied and pasted the entire above part in black from chiawen! such an encouraging and sweet yet sad post. but most of all, it gives me a guilty feeling. a frightened feeling. to know that every single detail of what i said, thought, did, felt etc etc were recorded now. but the saddest thing was that Jesus came. and He signed His name on ALL of the bad cards. without even scolding or punishing me or even asking why. He signed His name on ALL of MY bad cards just for ME. a mere human being out of millions and millions and millions! i mean, He could have ignored me what. im just less than one in a million people and yet of so many people, He chose to die FOR ME and bear all my sins. take my sins upon himself and paid my debts and debts of sins. what a wonderful love! a love so great that He was willing to die for some unknown person like me who totally dont deserve it only lor. and it was not just me, it's the same for every single one of you out there. everyone, everybody. sigh its really a wonderous yet sad feeling! failed maths. failed physics too. i might as well go and bang my head on the wall on the wall and die now. even ca1 overall also can fail. i feel so lousy at times and whenever i can't do maths or physics and so many others can. and they can take amaths/pure physics, understand it, know what it is, apply it and excel in it even! and here i am, failing both emaths and sci physics. and emaths is the simplest maths there can ever be. but any simpler and it'll come back to 1+1=2. and for sci phy, its the simplest too already. any simpler and i'll have to drop physics and go back to sec two le. hello. typed the above on friday night i think. then i fell asleep in fornt of my tablet. :/ well i've cheered up relatively much compared to friday night! haha i was sad on friday night cuz i couldnt go for teenz cuz i was sick mah. yup but im much better now le. yesterday i went to parkway parade! haha and it was having some crazy annual sale thingy! I LOVE SALES! anyway the point is i went there and i window-shopped. how stupid right. but well i bought something! my mum paid for it though! it's my new school bag! : D its a duffle bag and its quite cool! its green in colour! my mum said that her school bags used to be like that! haha actually i just bought it cuz one was about 2o bucks then buy 3 for 15 bucks! so me and my two sis got one each. but i bought one that was incredibly big. then when i got home i realised i had no use for it! then i think think think and i saw my school bag. which is like quite battered and worn already and i needed a new one! so i used the duffle bag instead : D haha i feel so creative! well today i went to jiat ru's house at about 10.30 and we had a study session until like 5.30! haha seven hours of studying :/ so tired now. studied maths from 10.30 to about 3.30 before we switched to bio and then physics. but we were brain dead already. so slacked through physics. bio was okay. i helped jiat ru(: then physics she helped me though she was pretty lan at physics too. haha! well i better go already cuz there's school tmr :/ and my mum's scolding me and i want to sleep already. :D tata all you people! and everytime we touch, i get that feeling. and everytime we kiss, i swear i can fly. i never felt this way until you came along; heart beating faster and my face getting redder. hold me close to you; like the way you held me in my dreams. do you know im waiting for you? and i dont know how long i can wait. <3, CASS. |