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the child. princess of God. gospeliter. 10111991. hmss091011. npech. B0108091011. hiclub. fencer. guides. 12c30405. 34s20607. crescent. the younger days. July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 November 2010 the peers. charmaineng henrietta samantha YOUTH. youth a big message a big mission glcc bernice chiawen daphne giolo ian jessica jiahao jonmuk kennethchai lesley lynnshan malcolm markchia melody ruth sicheng B01 [08091011]. B01 [08091011] afifah amirahlee daphne jieling kaiting latifah michelleling pengswee rongxuan tammie weiqian yvonne yiting SYFC. estherhuang marcus ruixin sheena sheryl vanessa HMS.NP. keala fencing alicia chuhui darren fiona hidayah jasmine juian kayyong madalene matthewhan romaine ronny tecky wayne CRESCENT. guides eileen
the interactions. the thanks. Base code:OHsaygoodbye Image: sxc.hu |
28 May 2006 ! at 4:20 AM ! monday's obs. part of me can't wait. i hope on friday i won't be too tired from obs and not be able to go for teenz - that is, if my mum allows! well i hope my mum allows then. yup so that's about it. this very short post! ohoh i changed my blogskin! yay! i think it's super nice(: <3, CASS. 25 May 2006 ! at 5:07 PM ! imagine praying and hearing this: Thank you for calling My Father's house. Please select one of the following four options: Press 1 for requests. Press 2 for thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. For all other inquiries, press 4. What if God used the familiar excuse: All of the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received. Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call on God in prayer? If you'd like to speak with Gabriel, press 1. For Michael, press 2. For any other angel, press 3. If you'd like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 6. To find out if your relative is here, enter his/her date of death and listen for the list that follows. For reservations at My Father's House, simply press the letters J-O-H-N, followed by the number 3-16 For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's ark is, wait until you get here! Our computers show that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately. This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again Monday. Thank God, you can't call Him too often!!! You only need to ring once and God hears you. Because of Jesus, you never get a busy signal. God takes each call and knows each caller personally. When you call and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and He will say: Here am I! Emergency numbers to remember: When in sorrow, call John 14 When men fail you, call Psalm 27 If you want to be fruitful, call John 15 When you have sinned, call Psalm 51 When you worry, call Matthew 6:19-34. When you are in danger, call Psalm 91. When God seems far away, call Psalm 139. When your faith needs stirring, call Hebrews 11. When you are lonely and fearful, call Psalm 23. When you grow bitter and critical, call 1 Cor. 13. For Paul's secret to happiness, call Col. 3:12-17. For idea of Christianity, call 1 Cor. 5:15-19. When you feel down and out, call Romans 8:31-39. When you want peace and rest, call Matt. 11:25-30. When the world seems bigger than God, call Psalm 90. When you want Christian assurance, call Romans 8:1-30. When you leave home for labor or travel, call Psalm 121. When your prayers grow narrow or selfish, call Psalm 67. For a great invention/opportunity, call Isaiah 55. When you want courage for a task, call Joshua 1. How to get along with fellowmen, call Romans 12. When you think of investments/returns, call Mark 10. If you are depressed, call Psalm 27. If your pocketbook is empty, call Psalm 37. If you're loosing confidence in people, call 1 Cor. 13. If people seem unkind, call John 15. If discouraged about your work, call Psalm 126. If you find the world growing small, and yourself great, call Psalm 19. Emergency numbers are toll free, and may be dialed direct. No operator assistance is necessary. All lines are open to Heaven 24 hours a day! "Feed your faith, and doubt will starve to death!" SO COOL SO COOL! HAHA I TOTALLY LOVE WHAT IT SAYS : D haha it's really true. imaginw of God actually treats us like how we treat Him! i realise that many time i've just shelve God away out of my life thinking it's okay, God will understand that i have so many other things to look at and do and He can wait till i'm done with earthly things! imagine if He does the same to me thinking that cassandra can wait, she'll understand that I have so many other people to look after I can't attend to her now, she'll just have to wait for her turn or till I'm free later?! oh my tian. i think i will be like huh? how can God do this to me? butbutbut! BUT LUCKILY GOD ISN'T LIKE THAT! lucky He attends to all of us immediately whenever we need Him or just want to praise Him and worship Him and listen to His word! well luckily He's not like us! phew ah. THANK GOD HE'S SUCH AN UNFAILING GOD WITH UNFAILING LOVE FOR EACH AND EVERYONE OF US! :D oh yes. my mum grounded me): yea well i might not be able to go for teenz for quite some time cuz my mum backslided away from God and thinks of Him as an unimportant God and He shouldn't be on the top of my piority list! D; well thank God for all the support i have from all my sisters and brothers in Christ! thank you iris kaiqi hornsau jonC and everyone else! oh yes and thank you shuyi for encouraging me and remindind me that i can do my own worship and spend my own quiet time alone with Him when i'm at home! and telling me not to let this time become a time when i backslide away from God again! just like how i was in p3 but yea well. i didn't go to church and i was pretty skeptical about God and whether Jesus really exist and all that! i can't believe that! D; luckily i came to glcc teenz and got saved once again and thank God that i've been growing in Him all this while! :D whoa! just wanna thank God so much for all that He's done for me in my life! :D OH YES! something cool happened to me today! :D haha i was on my way home when i heard jamie yeo on the 987 perfect 10 radio station and there was some quizz thingy about witch skincare products thingy! and so i decided to call in and join cuz um well, i was bored and i wanted the $50 hamper! haha! so yea called in and competed with this girl and well i got 3 out of 4 questions right! :D so i won the hamper! yay! and i've always wanted to get witch skincare products anyway but they're well, just too ex :/ haha so yup really thank God once again for letting me win the hamper! :D yup today was parents teacher meeting! well actually my mum had to meet mrs esther lau but then yesterday she called my mum and well talked to her on the phone already. yup she said that miss penny ang thinks im humble! :D haha and mrs lau thinks im quiet :/ haha! but yea my chi and bio improved and oh. mrs lau thinks i shouldnt drop art :/ and she told my mum that i shouldnt drop art too and i think my mum kinda agrees :/ oh no. oh wells i guess it's up to God but i believe if He wants me to continue with art then i will and He'll bring me through it cuz it's Him who has brought me to it! :D yup so i will keep on trusting in God! show me what it's like, to be the last one standing. teach me wrong from right, and i'll show you what i can be. <3, CASS. 21 May 2006 ! at 9:00 AM ! Some say you're just a good man Some say you are kind Some say you are in the grave But I say you're alive Some say you're just a prophet Some say you were wise Some say you were just a man But I say you are God You are my God I will shout your fame to all the earth I will lift your name on high And the world will know your greatness You are my God I will shout your fame I know you're the Messiah You gave your life for me And I know you're the only way Jesus you're my God You are my God I will shout your fame to all the earth I will lift your name on high And the world will know your greatness You are my God Jesus I will shout your fame to all the earth I will lift your name on high I will show the world your goodness As I live a life that shouts your fame As I live a life that shouts your fame Jesus I decide to live Live a life that shouts your fame Shout your fame hello hello(: well this week has been pretty eventful what with the learning journey, the extra holiday, the results, the guides farewell party D; , the da vinci code thingy at church! oh my tian. let's start of with the most eventful thing! the guides farewell party D; it was on thursday): so saddening. the sec fours stepped down and well, my level took over. so i guess we're ma'ams now. which is kinda scary in my opininon. well thursday was very sad!): i didn't cry though. didn't want to anyway. well thank you sec fours for all you've done for this lot of rubbishy and crappy and nonsensical batch of juniors! we're sorry for all the trouble that we've given you! D; especially to our commanders and the programmers and cl and acl cuz we always don't listen to you all): and i think me, sherylsim, amelia, caryn still owe delia quite alot of rounds! haha but its okay(: oh yea well i got a post. kinda expected it though. it's the post of qm! quarter mistress! well it's a good post! i get to take care of the guide den(: haha! well and i get acess to the guide den whenever i want! heh. but then! im kinda scared of the post! :/ because a qm must be neat and organized de and well, i'm kinda the opposite. messy and very untidy! yea and i'm afraid i'll lose the guide key!): well i just have pray to God and ask Him for His guidance! He gives me peace in my heart and i know no matter what happens, He'll be there for me even if the whole of the world turns their back against me(: yay and i know God put me in this post for a special reason(: and i trust in Him then He'll give me the strength to excel in this post! YAY! oh yea! and i was transferred me to bougainvilla patrol to be their patrol leader! oh my tian. im gonna miss kingfisher patrol and my entire kingfisher family! grr): patrol corner will NEVER be the same again! well i expect patrol corner's gonna be a whole lot of rubbishy and crappy conversations and times because there's sherylsim and ziying! :D haha! oh and i got back my mid year results on thurs too. chinese - c5 english - c5 emaths - e8 chemistry - b3 physics - e8 biology - b3 art - f9 history - f9 social studies - f9 literature - c5 yup well. art is so gonna pull me down. grr 18 only. over a hundred. ): i had no idea i was that lousy at art. oh wells im gonna drop. and i havent told my mum about my results yet. i guess i'll do it on monday. oh yea. learning journey was nice(: but i was very tired. having not slept at all on sunday night. i stayed up just to finish up my art on time. yea well after learning journey there was sovenior making. i went. but i coloured the salt till i fell asleep and kay had to take the salt away from me :/ and i refused to go home and sleep cuz i felt that it was unfair that they had to do the sovenior alone and they're short of manpower already! so i insisted on staying back to help them! but then i guess i was just too tired. i went to one corner to rub the salt and rest awhile and it was about 3 or 4 i think. and i fell asleep! :/ heh so paiseh and by the time they woke me up it was like 6?! oh my tian i slept that long :/ haha! oh i was kinda pissed with my mum and i badmooded her whole tuesday - the extra holiday! well i was supposed to go out at first :/ and then she suddenly dont allow! ): well i kinda got pissed at her and i know i really shouldn't so at the end of the day i reflected and i felt really bad and i realised i broke one of His laws - honour thy father and mother. so i prayed to God and asked Him to forgive me and help me to remember His commanments and keep them! yay and it was a load off my mind after i asked for forgiveness cuz i know He has already forgiven me before i asked but i just had to take that step of faith and ask Him! : D yay PRAISE GOD! well yesterday i went for teenz. before that i had art class which i told tricia goh that i wanted to drop art. yep. well after that went for teenz. persuaded kaiqi to go too(: and i invited so many people to go but they all couldn't go! ): so sad but well never mind! i just got to wait for God to answer my prayers! :D He will if it's in His will! maybe it's just not the right time yet! teenz was about the da vinci code! it's nc-16 though the movie. but they showed us de is the documentry of questions which people ask about the da vinci code and the RIGHT answers! well at the end of the day we just have to remember - it's just a FICTION STORY! like harry potter! yea well i found out that the Bible is the most read book in the entire world! yay God's Word rules! :D well yup that's about it. my whole eventful week(: just thank God for seeing me through everything and my entire week and providing me with strength to go through all that i have to! and i know all the trials He has given me, He'll bring me through it and He'll see me through and be my pillar of strength and comfort! and i thank Him for all the trials because i know they're there for a very special reason - to make me a stronger and better person in God's eyes(: well tata people! <3, CASS. 17 May 2006 ! at 4:00 PM ! One evening, a call for dedication was given at a church missions conference. Beverly, a homemaker from Kansas and her husband, together with their 3 small children made a personal dedication to serve the Lord with their lives. They walked down the aisle together as a family and headed towards the front of the church, praying to the Lord, "Anywhere, anytime, and anything, Lord." 2 years later, Beverly walked into a tarpaper shack that was to be her home in the mission field of Papua New Guinea. It had a two-foot sepration between the walls and the roof, allowing anything to enter or leave the shack. She looked around her surroundings and feeling discouraged, whispered to herself, "I didn't mean this, Lord." She cried for 2 weeks, and when her husband asked if she wanted to leave the mission field and head for home, she said yes. But the Lord gently and patiently showered His unfailing love upon her until she could say again, "Anywhere, anytime, anything, Lord." She and her husband were most blessed and privileged to see many people come out of darkness into God's marvellous light as they served Him boldly together in Papua New Guinea. 7 years later, Beverly waved goodbye to her only son returning to college in the United States. In her heart she cried, "I didn't mean this, Lord." But again, after much struggling within her heart, she trusted God to take good care of her son while he was half a world away from the family. 2 years later, her family was happily reunited when they were transferred to North Carolina where her husband was to train other aircraft mechanics at the Jungle Aviation and Radio Service base (JAARS, a branch of Wycliffe Bible Translators). Her son planned to become a pilot for the jungle aviation program. One night Beverly answered the insistent ringing of the telephone. A doctor from a local hospital urged, "Come quickly. There's been an auto accident." Beverly and her husband rushed to the hospital. The doctor met them, and with his voice breaking, he said, "Your son's girlfriend is taking her X-rays now - we think she is going to make it. But...I'm sorry to tell you that your son did not." Into Beverly's mind flashed the image of a young couple with their 3 small children between them, walking down the aisle of a church and saying, "Anywhere, anytime, anything, Lord." And the enemy of her soul taunted, "See! See what God does when you give everything to Him?" Her heart cried in agony, "Oh, I didn't mean this, Lord." Then quietly to her heart the Lord said, "Beverly, I gave my only Son for you. Are you willing to let yours go to be with Me?" And she was able to respond with a humble heart of absolute surrender, "Anywhere, anytime, anything, Lord." All of us ordinary people have an extraordinary call to an extraordinary God, who daily calls each of us to total commitment. Our heart commitment is imperative, our willingness to be totally His - anywhere, anytime, and in anything. God wants us to be wholehearted in following Him. Totally sold out. Willing to pay the price of being His disciples, His servants. The purpose of our lives is to know God..this simply means having total unwavering commitment to God and to His Word with our whole being. ~ Carole Mayhall Our life is full of brokenness - broken promises, broken hearts, broken relationships, broken expectations. How can we live with that brokenness without becoming bitter and resentful except by returning again and again to God's faithful presence in our lives? ~ Henri Nouwen it touched me. it seriously deeply touched me. copied that from daph's blog. so touching and encouraging. and yes Lord, i really want to have total unwavering commitment to You and Your Word be with me. I am only so insignificant, and You are so Great. and yet you are willing to give me this honour to serve You totally, wholeheartedly. Lord may i be able to respond to your calls with "anywhere, anythin and anytime Lord." thank You so much for loving and healing me. I ran to God in open arms. He was there, waiting for me. I needn't have to wait indifinitely, just like the way i waited for people. Love will finally lead me to the heart of God; it will. And i promise i would never shed another tear. copied that from somebody's blog. it moved me to tears. i felt as though i could relate to her. it was as though we were going the same thing, just different struggles - but both something which seemed to cause us a lot of confusion and pain. but i take comfort in knowing that no matter what, God will always be there for me even when the rest of the world seems to have fade away. when i read that, i suddenly had this longing to run to God and His open arms once again, run to Him and just rest and cry all i want there after all the feelings bottled up and just let HIm cry with me, comfort me and calm my sobbing heart cuz only His comfort can heal my bleeding heart; mend my broken life. yes. only Him alone can satisfy me cuz only He knows what i really need. and after reading that, i cried. i truely felt God telling me that i am so ever important to Him and He would do nothing to harm me. yet all these struggles i have, it is to strengthen me, to help me grow. and for that, i thank You Lord. and i just broke down and cried after reading the sort-of poem. because i felt tired. mentally tired. i felt as though i had ran away from God. all these while, i suddenly felt that i had not put and cast all my cares and burdens at His throne and let Him place control over them and help me. my art, my family relationship etc... i took them in my owns miserable tiny hands. which i can do nothing with without the strength of Christ. with Him, all things are possible. without Him, nothing is possible. nothing at all. and Lord i just thank You for taking such good care of me. and having such good plans for me. even though my future may seem bleak now, i know you have great plans for me, Your humble servant. and let me serve You humbly and may all the glory be unto You and not me Lord. Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most susceptible? Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them? Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are: I love you, Sorry and help me? Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves? Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty? Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding? Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds? Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face? Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted? Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do. But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself, if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold. i got this from an email! kinda cool(: well i'll post somemore another time! wanna sleep now :/ <3, CASS. 10 May 2006 ! at 9:35 AM ! Boy meets girl You were my dream,my world But i was blind You cheated on me from behind So on my own I feel so all alone Though I know it's true I'm still in love with you I need a miracle I wanna be your girl Give me a chance to see That you are made for me I need a miracle Please let me be your girl One day you'll see it can happen to me I need a miracle I wanna be your girl Give me a chance to see That you are made for me I need a miracle Please let me be your girl One day you'll see it can happen to me It can happen to me Day and night I'm always by your side Cause I know for sure My love is real my feelings pure So take a try No need to ask me why Cause I know it's true I'm still in love with you I need a miracle... you'll never know it's actually how i feel towards you; the story of me to you. but i guess you're too oblivious; to notice anything i feel at all. Everytime We Touch - cascada I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me. I still feel your touch in my dreams. Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why. Without you it's hard to survive. 'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling. And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly. Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last. Need you by my side. 'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static. And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky. Can't you hear my heart beat so I can't let you go. Want you in my life. Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky. They wipe away tears that I cry. The good and the bad times, we've been through them all. You make me rise when I fall. 'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling. And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly. Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last. Need you by my side. 'Cause everytime we touch, I feel this static. And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky. Can't you hear my heart beat so I can't let you go. Want you in my life. 'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling. And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly. Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last. Need you by my side. and this is how i'll like our story to end; me and you together. but its almost impossible; cuz you ignore me though i crave your attention. <3, CASS. 06 May 2006 ! at 7:00 PM ! well pray for me. i got chem on mon and hist and phy on tues and art on wed! :/ and im not even halfway done with my art :/ sigh shall go do it now. im not sure how to morph my sketches and develop it! :/ die lah but then again. never mind about art. it is not of my greatest concern and i plan to drop it already anyway! haha so im pretty happy and not so stress already! :D well fri was lit and maths :/ well maths killed me. literally. killed my brain cells :/ there were like what, 11 over 40 worth of marks of questions that i didnt do, 29 over 60 worth of marks of questions i didnt do! :/ i think im gonna fail again. it was so hard leh D; lit was okay though i had mental block and couldnt remember any codes from an enemy of the people! well so i paraphrase everything :/ and i dont even understand what the section b poem was about! something about trees dying and trees being temporary in flourishing garden city :/ it felt as thoguh the poem was talking about singapore :/ haha totally crapped and gave some answers that i dont even know what i was talking about. well hoped i'll score though. social studies got no hope le. well and miss li gave me a doremon cookie! and some others! for having good results in the last chem test! that was so nice of her! :D actually miss li is a very nice teacher just that my class the people keep bullying her :/ haha i hope they agree to doing something for her. miss li's left crescent already but she's coming back on friday! hopefully we'll take a class photo with her :D and mr nah! aye we're giving him a pink panter combined with s1. i dont know why pink panter but yea! he's a really good bio teacher! oh oh i really really hope i get an a1 for my bio. otherwise i'll be so devasted :/ well yesterday's service was GREAT! what ian preached totally touched my heart deep down and made me realised that i was like some of the people he preached about. i guess sometimes im quite like the gossiper or wealth-dependent person. it was like he was preaching and the truth suddenly dawned on me, all these times when i thought i was purely chatting yet, many times i had actually been gossiping and when it felt great to have money in my wallet i realised i was being wealth-dependent and not God-dependent! it was like oh my tian, i cant believe all these times i had actually been sinning and doing what the Bible warns me not to in the book of proverbs. that was like, woah. and i realised that there is a friend closer than a brother who is always with me. and He loves me no matter what i do, say, think about, and no matter whether i sin a not. He still loves me deeply. so deeply that He was willing to give up His life on the cross to die jsut for me to save me. and even though He was mocked, spat on, looked down on when He carried the cross for my sake, He never gave up wanting to save me. He had His thoughts and mind on me. ME! a total failure in practically everything i do. but yes, me. and it was all because of His unfailing love for me. yes, again it's all for me because of me. where can i find such a friend! and in that instant, i felt a sense of guilt and i realised that i needed to confess my sins to God and ask God to help me be a better person, be a righteous and friendly person and ask God to never let me be an isolater, gossiper, wealth-dependent or a discourager! it is so wrong! i pray that God will help me to grow and go into a closer and deeper relationship with Jesus! i also pray that that God will help all the teens in teenz to grow more and more in Jesus! i pray that God will help my dad to understand that i need and want to go to church on sunday to worship and listen to His words because that is His day! the day when God created that perfect world and set aside every sunday for us too worship and praise Him! and it is one of the commanments i think if im not wrong! yes i pray that God will help save all the familes and friends of all the teenz! i also pray for uncle robbert deacon; he has gotten 4th stage of tongue cancer - incurable. he still has the choice of operations and i pray that God will lead him to make the right choices. i also pray for the queks! i pray that they wont be too sad over the loss of their granpa. thank God that he's saved so he's now in heaven enjoying heaven with God and will never have to suffer ever again! praise God for that wonderful heaven and everlasting life he has given to all who believe in Him! my own grandpa though, sad to say, isnt saved yet. i hope to be able to save him before he dies! i pray that God will give me an opportunity to talk to my grandpa about Jesus and finally save him! i really dont want him to spend his eternal life in hell and when i see him on judgement day, i dont wish to hear him say, cassandra why didnt you tell me about Jesus? you're my very own granddaughter! well just pray that God will give me an opportunity! in Jesus' most precious name i pray, amen! well its four am now :/ and its mother's day i think but i never buy anything yet :/ i was thinking of cooking breakfast for my mum but i know she'll probably scold me so never mind i guess. haha i see how tmr lah. maybe i give belated de. well i better go do my art already :/ byebye! I honestly love you - Oliver Newton John Maybe I hang around here a little more than I should We both know I got somewhere else to go But I got something to tell you that I never thought I would But I believe you really ought to know I love you, I honestly love you You don't have to answer, I see it in your eyes Baby, it was better left unsaid But this is pure and simple, and you must realize That it's coming from my heart and not my head I love you, I honestly love you I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable I'm not trying to make you anything at all But this feeling doesn't come along every day And you shouldn't throw the chance, When you've got the chance to say I love you, I love you, I honestly love you If we both were born in another place and time This moment would be ending in a kiss But there you are with yours, and here I am with mine So I guess we'll just be leaving it at this I love you, I love you, I honestly love you it's a really sad song D; but its really sweet and nice :D haha nice. and i just listened to it :D I love you, I love you, I honestly love you; but do you love me too? I see you every week, but yet I feel like a thousand miles away from you. <3, CASS. 05 May 2006 ! at 10:30 AM ! oh my tian. i seriously think im gonna flunk all my exams. i cant believe i didnt finish chinese composition and social studies. and english was kinda okay but still. and chinese paper was a little hard i guess. and i thought bio paper was kinda okay. it seemed quite easy though. only had a few questions that i wasnt sure how to do. i hope i get an a1 for my bio. and there's emaths and pure lit paper tmr. and i dont know why im here blogging instead. well i thinkmy brain's gone all wrong and funny. and i feel so dumb compared to the rest of the crescentians and not just them; its like compared to the rest of the world. its like i feel so stupid, like what everyone seems to be able to do, i cant do at all. just like simple maths and physics and art. argh. well today's trip home was hilarious. joyce and jazreel were playing silly hand games on the mrt and there was this guy who was so hilarious. he kept staring at them like he wanted them. kinda pervertic but his pervertic expression was so hilarious. me, jamie, zakkiyya, shermin, hanis, radha couldnt stop laughing! haha! then jamie finally told jazreel to stop playing. haha the two of them were so puzzled. and then we were talking and suddenly came to pole dancing. haha jazreel put her hand around joyce and said pole dancing ah? haha then that guy stared at them with a very disgusting, pervertic look leh! eww but it was so hilarious! hahaha sick guy. then after that there was this couple who was so funny also. haha the guy was trying to wear a jacket which was like, too small for him! then his girlfriend tried to put it on for him! haha their actions were so funny! heh couldnt stop laughing. oh wells i guess i better go memorise codes for my lit already. i've had enough of maths; it's been bullying me whole afternoon. i hope lit doesnt decides to bully me too. :/ well good luck everybody for your remaining papers and dont flunk them like me. D; the pleasure of stress; i could never comprehend. byebye everyone. you swept me off my feet; and yet how could you not know? and i dont know how to talk to you. <3, CASS. 02 May 2006 ! at 1:30 PM ! In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There was no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As i drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was the one that read " Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog for my life. Here was written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory cldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I wld look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird: " Books I have read", "Lies that i have told", " Comfort I have given", " Jokes I have laughed at". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Other i cldnt laugh at: " Things I have done in anger, " Things I muttered under my breath at my parents" I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Somtimes there were fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Cld it be possible that I had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each was signed with my signature. When i pulled out the file marked "Songs I have listened to" I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after 2 or 3 yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amt of time I knew that file represented. When i came to a file marked "Lustful thoughts" I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed contents. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.Suddenly I felt an almost animal rage. One thought dominated my mind: " No one must ever see these cards! no one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didnt matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I cld not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long self-pitying sigh. And then i saw it. The title bore " People I hv shared the Gospel with". The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than 3 inches long fell into my hands. I cld count the cards it contained on one hand. And then tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hust started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shleves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please, not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I cldnt bear to watch His response. And inthe moments I cld bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. hy did Hee have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. BUt this was a pity that didnt anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands, and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He cld have said so many things. But He didnt say a word. He jus cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room. He took out a file and , one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted,rushing to Him. All I cld find to say was "No,no" as I pulled the card from HIm. His name shldnt be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, " It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written. copied and pasted the entire above part in black from chiawen! such an encouraging and sweet yet sad post. but most of all, it gives me a guilty feeling. a frightened feeling. to know that every single detail of what i said, thought, did, felt etc etc were recorded now. but the saddest thing was that Jesus came. and He signed His name on ALL of the bad cards. without even scolding or punishing me or even asking why. He signed His name on ALL of MY bad cards just for ME. a mere human being out of millions and millions and millions! i mean, He could have ignored me what. im just less than one in a million people and yet of so many people, He chose to die FOR ME and bear all my sins. take my sins upon himself and paid my debts and debts of sins. what a wonderful love! a love so great that He was willing to die for some unknown person like me who totally dont deserve it only lor. and it was not just me, it's the same for every single one of you out there. everyone, everybody. sigh its really a wonderous yet sad feeling! failed maths. failed physics too. i might as well go and bang my head on the wall on the wall and die now. even ca1 overall also can fail. i feel so lousy at times and whenever i can't do maths or physics and so many others can. and they can take amaths/pure physics, understand it, know what it is, apply it and excel in it even! and here i am, failing both emaths and sci physics. and emaths is the simplest maths there can ever be. but any simpler and it'll come back to 1+1=2. and for sci phy, its the simplest too already. any simpler and i'll have to drop physics and go back to sec two le. hello. typed the above on friday night i think. then i fell asleep in fornt of my tablet. :/ well i've cheered up relatively much compared to friday night! haha i was sad on friday night cuz i couldnt go for teenz cuz i was sick mah. yup but im much better now le. yesterday i went to parkway parade! haha and it was having some crazy annual sale thingy! I LOVE SALES! anyway the point is i went there and i window-shopped. how stupid right. but well i bought something! my mum paid for it though! it's my new school bag! : D its a duffle bag and its quite cool! its green in colour! my mum said that her school bags used to be like that! haha actually i just bought it cuz one was about 2o bucks then buy 3 for 15 bucks! so me and my two sis got one each. but i bought one that was incredibly big. then when i got home i realised i had no use for it! then i think think think and i saw my school bag. which is like quite battered and worn already and i needed a new one! so i used the duffle bag instead : D haha i feel so creative! well today i went to jiat ru's house at about 10.30 and we had a study session until like 5.30! haha seven hours of studying :/ so tired now. studied maths from 10.30 to about 3.30 before we switched to bio and then physics. but we were brain dead already. so slacked through physics. bio was okay. i helped jiat ru(: then physics she helped me though she was pretty lan at physics too. haha! well i better go already cuz there's school tmr :/ and my mum's scolding me and i want to sleep already. :D tata all you people! and everytime we touch, i get that feeling. and everytime we kiss, i swear i can fly. i never felt this way until you came along; heart beating faster and my face getting redder. hold me close to you; like the way you held me in my dreams. do you know im waiting for you? and i dont know how long i can wait. <3, CASS. |
